Creative Blame

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Art course, different work stations were a permanent artist sat then a desk for someone on the course. 

Big heavy crystal fish tanks.   Various shapes.  
 

Next dream was long with Fay.  We were heading on a holiday overseas.   I'd lost my passport and tickets and there was an issue with my luggage too. 
I kept going in and out of this dream.
We did fly, the plane stopped in many airports before we got off.
 

Oh I was really overweight too.   Was surprised when I saw a mirror how huge I was! 

We visited Roman Catholic Houses, with Mary painted on yellow walls.

Everyone expected to sing.
The place we were going was strange.
A hotel on the edge of a dirty lake.
The water of the lake came up to the windows, making patterns on the hotel floor.

We could see people in the lake bathing and swimming.

 

--
Shoved bk into a box.... And made to behave. 

March along the path from your cradle to your grave.
Changing form to seep out the seams...   Escaping reality into a world of dreams.
Only the reality I was in was way bigger than this life,

It was a home and a place where I felt more alive.
Observing perspectives of others reality.

I was asking my inner self what I expected to see.

The answers were an interface of what is and could be

A space in-between.
where we weave what we believe

I was learning the rules of how dance in this dream

 

Shut off... Stop.

 

It was forced out of my mind,

via unwanted injections administered into my backside.

Alone now... 

More alone that I've ever felt before

 

I'm not the same person that I was before.
It's an abuse in a way I can not describe,

I'd preferred to have been euthanised and given up this life.

Instead I'm back here, pretending to fit... 
In a box like a cage, in which I don't want to sit.
 

Yet what waits me on the outside, is more of the same...

 

Where I'm drugged out of my own way of being alive

by people who think they are being kind

 

How fucking dare they dictate the way, I experience my mind. 

 

I know I have some healing... Yet I don't know were to start.
The love that used to flow like fire threw my heart.
 

Is an now just and ember,
adrift in a sea of resentment.

Against a faceless collective who thought they knew better.
 

I don't understand the mirror that shoved me back into the box,

I was happy in my mind, i wanted to be lost

To find myself a space to grown into what I was becoming.

 

I was pushed down, and broken...  
In a mind that couldn't dream

I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, nor the energy to scream

I had to learn to walk again, the damage was that deep...

As my awareness struggled drowning I was like a pingpong ball in sleep.

Shoved back and forth or fleeing too and frow,

I was trapped in a mind and body I didn't know.

My last and only refuge...   My own body and my mind,

Had been changed beyond recognition leaving but a spark of me inside.

 

I'm healing the damage slowly.

Creating bit by bit, a place where my being, feels comfortable to sit.

I guess what I feel is grief for the home I had before,
inside is all different now I'm not sure where to start.
To put myself back into me, and fill the body I once loved.

I miss the comfort of my slef in self fitting like a glove.

 

--

Don't pat me 'Good mouse?'  lol   'It's a start bitch, you need to express the betrayal you felt' 

MMmm   'It's why you were pissed at me the other night'   Yeh... 

'Feel it Ren, think it... And feel it'    kk

I want something or someone to be angry at but there is only me....  'Ask me?'   Hu??

What?  'Ask me to take the blame'   Eh?  'It's something we can do for each other Ren, Remember?' 
How will that help?  'Try it'  
Hummmm 🤔    'You don't need to over think it Ren, I'll make sure you repay the favour'  lol....  Ok.

I'm still not sure I wana blame you... 'You did the other night'   I was just angry, that's different to asking.

'Obviously'  .............. 'I'm offering you a perspective to focus the hurt outside of your self' 

You're in me too....  'Separate enough to offer contrast' 

Inka...   I wanted to rip your head off the other night.   'May be it's time to grow a new one?'   lol
Ok,  lol this is wyrd...

'Not really bitch, this is just the first time you've actively asked for it'    Hu??

'Go on'   Inka, will you take the blame I feel for myself please?   Like that?

'Close enough, and done'   ................. 'How do you feel?'...   Sad...  

'Ok... Feel that now'    lol   ok..

'It's easier for you to feel empathy for me than for yourself'  So it seems, but how and why?

'Just feel it Ren, time for your questions to be answered once you let the pain out' 

 

'Feel how it goes both ways'   Yeh...    Your sad, cause you know you do the same.  

 

 

Wind Up

23rd, 

Inka and Ddad met me, and pinned me down till I relaxed enough to sleep.

 

First dream I was at a gateway with Jo & Jon, we were sharing tomato and veg soup in plastic cups and waiting for a lift home.

The other dream was long.
A city, it was an expensive area.  I'd been sharing a small flat rental with some other females and was moving into a larger property.

It was currently occupied by 2 guys, and I'd be sharing a room with one.  
The room was small and I had a little shelf bottom bunk, so the rent I was paying would be similar.
The apartment was amazing though. 

The lower floor was an open plan living and kitchen space..... But it was surreal too, with stools that looked like grazing sheep and goats. 
Upstairs, was the most amazing huge shared bath.   It was rectangular and tiled with pattern tiles, a shelf divided a while pool section and huge stacks of coloured hand made soaps were piled onto it.   The celling in the room was high wooden rafters with lots of small twinkling warm lights. 
There was a large wicker tray full of snacks.   They were names I'd herd of but the branding style and the shapes of the products were different.  

The guy I was bunking with seemed nice, though the bed was small and more like an old shelf, there was a strange vent in the wall beside it, that was like one of them old lift shafts they had in large houses for moving items up and down.

 

I'd gone back to my old flat to pick up a bag of stuff, I was amazed that the bathroom was the same size as the whole of our old apartment and pleased I could get it for the same rent.

The guy came to collect me, he wanted to show me some of the local shops.
The busy streets were lined with trees in leaf.   We passed colourful ice-cream shops with lots of colourful flavours. 

And he took me into an antique shop.   A pretty blond female was trying on a pink dress, I'd found a sort of matching jacket and handed it to her, she put it on too with the intention of getting both.

The guy lead me to another room at the back, and showed me some strange brass device like a toy cannon that worked.   I was looking threw some old iron keys, with the intention of getting one.

He'd asked if I had the cash.  I did, the currency I had was modern £10 notes.

The key was only a couple of quid and an unusual shape.

The bow was a diamond shape and the shaft had 4 sides rather than round.   There was no bit at the bottom.    I wondered what it was for.    It seemed like it might wind something up.
As I was paying the guy left with some other females after checking I knew my way back.

 

Oh yeh, it was an old Iron winding key.

 

 

Again?

 

20th

Work type pf dream...  Not a building I've ever been in and the rooms were more like hotel style.  
A lime tree too, we were making tea from the leaves and blooms.
I'd gone to an odd version of tescos, and lost something in the dark.

Kef was with me, and wandered off to were another collie was climbing up and over a wall.
Zak in the buggy..  A guy took my shopping from the basket after I'd paid.  But I was getting accused by a police officer of shop lifting.
The guy was threatening me too. 

A child too, his parents were from Africa, he'd been born in the UK. 
I was talking to him as I was doing his hair... We were trying to find a way to reunite him with his family. 

 

22nd

I'd gone with Inka to Ddad's hub, when I appeared there I was in that blue uniform I'd refused to wear last year.
Inka suggested I leave it on.   They took me to that odd VR spinney thing that Inka used to go in and told me to use it alone.   They would observe me.
Then lots of dreams...    I'd not slept much at all after my night shift yday.

-
 

Modern pyramid building, it was an industry of sorts.   A old wooden locomotive chopped up wood and a track fed a small furnace. 

Something went wrong, and the fire just kept feeding it's self.   Then the wooden track burnt threw.   The metal carts that were on the track were hot, falling into the lake below the pyramid building with a hiss.
They were overheated.

 

A version of my dream space but it was all inverted.   The Dr surgery and old Police station was on the other side of the road were Aggies house was.

 

Then a cleaning dream.   I was washing plates cups and cutlery, old fashioned silver service type stuff...  But going into 2 modern dishwashers.   I had a large rope with a knot on that I was sitting on to swing. 

 

Then another long dream.  A school, only this time I was one of the teachers.    I had a long white robe on, the other teacher was male and dressed the same.  
We could fly, and I was writing stuff in white chalk on a huge board.  
I'd fly to the top.
A younger male, he was from a different group - they lived wild in the near by forest. 

I gave him my chalk and showed him how to write.

 

Next was a long walk, 2 dogs and a small tent.  I was with Hoggy I think, we walked threw countryside, lush and green....  

A low mist in the air.   
We would camp the night there, I could see a urban area close to us.  
Some of the houses in the air, floating.
Modern buildings, with large windows.   Seemed like homes, I could see people in them looking out at us.

 

Oooooo!!!   Lol the first time I saw that gyro machine was the 21st Feb last year!   Also in Blue uniform  🤔
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