Creative Blame

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Art course, different work stations were a permanent artist sat then a desk for someone on the course. 

Big heavy crystal fish tanks.   Various shapes.  
 

Next dream was long with Fay.  We were heading on a holiday overseas.   I'd lost my passport and tickets and there was an issue with my luggage too. 
I kept going in and out of this dream.
We did fly, the plane stopped in many airports before we got off.
 

Oh I was really overweight too.   Was surprised when I saw a mirror how huge I was! 

We visited Roman Catholic Houses, with Mary painted on yellow walls.

Everyone expected to sing.
The place we were going was strange.
A hotel on the edge of a dirty lake.
The water of the lake came up to the windows, making patterns on the hotel floor.

We could see people in the lake bathing and swimming.

 

--
Shoved bk into a box.... And made to behave. 

March along the path from your cradle to your grave.
Changing form to seep out the seams...   Escaping reality into a world of dreams.
Only the reality I was in was way bigger than this life,

It was a home and a place where I felt more alive.
Observing perspectives of others reality.

I was asking my inner self what I expected to see.

The answers were an interface of what is and could be

A space in-between.
where we weave what we believe

I was learning the rules of how dance in this dream

 

Shut off... Stop.

 

It was forced out of my mind,

via unwanted injections administered into my backside.

Alone now... 

More alone that I've ever felt before

 

I'm not the same person that I was before.
It's an abuse in a way I can not describe,

I'd preferred to have been euthanised and given up this life.

Instead I'm back here, pretending to fit... 
In a box like a cage, in which I don't want to sit.
 

Yet what waits me on the outside, is more of the same...

 

Where I'm drugged out of my own way of being alive

by people who think they are being kind

 

How fucking dare they dictate the way, I experience my mind. 

 

I know I have some healing... Yet I don't know were to start.
The love that used to flow like fire threw my heart.
 

Is an now just and ember,
adrift in a sea of resentment.

Against a faceless collective who thought they knew better.
 

I don't understand the mirror that shoved me back into the box,

I was happy in my mind, i wanted to be lost

To find myself a space to grown into what I was becoming.

 

I was pushed down, and broken...  
In a mind that couldn't dream

I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, nor the energy to scream

I had to learn to walk again, the damage was that deep...

As my awareness struggled drowning I was like a pingpong ball in sleep.

Shoved back and forth or fleeing too and frow,

I was trapped in a mind and body I didn't know.

My last and only refuge...   My own body and my mind,

Had been changed beyond recognition leaving but a spark of me inside.

 

I'm healing the damage slowly.

Creating bit by bit, a place where my being, feels comfortable to sit.

I guess what I feel is grief for the home I had before,
inside is all different now I'm not sure where to start.
To put myself back into me, and fill the body I once loved.

I miss the comfort of my slef in self fitting like a glove.

 

--

Don't pat me 'Good mouse?'  lol   'It's a start bitch, you need to express the betrayal you felt' 

MMmm   'It's why you were pissed at me the other night'   Yeh... 

'Feel it Ren, think it... And feel it'    kk

I want something or someone to be angry at but there is only me....  'Ask me?'   Hu??

What?  'Ask me to take the blame'   Eh?  'It's something we can do for each other Ren, Remember?' 
How will that help?  'Try it'  
Hummmm 🤔    'You don't need to over think it Ren, I'll make sure you repay the favour'  lol....  Ok.

I'm still not sure I wana blame you... 'You did the other night'   I was just angry, that's different to asking.

'Obviously'  .............. 'I'm offering you a perspective to focus the hurt outside of your self' 

You're in me too....  'Separate enough to offer contrast' 

Inka...   I wanted to rip your head off the other night.   'May be it's time to grow a new one?'   lol
Ok,  lol this is wyrd...

'Not really bitch, this is just the first time you've actively asked for it'    Hu??

'Go on'   Inka, will you take the blame I feel for myself please?   Like that?

'Close enough, and done'   ................. 'How do you feel?'...   Sad...  

'Ok... Feel that now'    lol   ok..

'It's easier for you to feel empathy for me than for yourself'  So it seems, but how and why?

'Just feel it Ren, time for your questions to be answered once you let the pain out' 

 

'Feel how it goes both ways'   Yeh...    Your sad, cause you know you do the same.