Scattered

I'm pushing back, 'I'm keeping a space to call 'you'  I duno what I? where a be 😵 'Your formless as love, your structure undone you are lost unto one'   That's why I stick to you?  'You're recalling what you are Ren and it's not human' Errrrrr What then? 'No spoon, come home. We will help, your splitting allover while awake... brew, candle, come' 

I feel like wind blowing away thoughts scatter letters, the words unravel and voice runs dry, nothing to think nothing to say, shapes and colours start to play.. the tickle to come, the shift way back, to the home deep within I drop into the gap and time falls away and I meet the others that weave the day.  

Blug, sorry... 'NP if you're going to split do it properly.......  I'm helping Ren, I can shove your smart ass comments back where they come from'  I didn't used to be so confrontational... 'We did you just nailed me in the floor'  Oh, sorry... 'Bit late for sorry Witch'  Hahaha ok, why?  'Your learning'  

Why am I so scattered...  'Different card Ren'

The thoughts blowing like a breeze I don't care what to think or know what to be, I have lost a sense of boundary and am fraying and unravelling what I thought was me. Watching a self get caught on on the wind... A draught at the window a chill on your skin, I've spread threw the air now you're breathing me in, so many selves start to begin..... Errrrrrrr? 'It's fine Ren your big 💜.. come here'  

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First dreams -- Dream and worlds, lots of them splitting so many I could venture or stop before brain spalt...  'Haha, Ren yep'   What were we doing? 'Making dreams and games'.. Ooooo   'SO come back'  journeys and deals too?  'Yes, here with us..'  

 

Oh dragging something from the floor of the ocean too big chains with seaweed a spaceship? 3 frozen snowmen one pink one blue one green in a hall?? Tigs Mum too & Marcus & Jack..and someone else recalling the same thing.. Also the Robot dream with the thing underwater.   

'If a frog turned to a tree, and then split into you and me, would you still hunt inside for the memories we hide?'  lol Inka, You know it!! 'Come back then ffs!!' Hahah ok.    

More dreams a dentist then Marcus again his drawing fruit there is a Pantone book with codes for colours so many colours it's huge the book is waster hight and filled with colours... WOW.  'Come here now and stay with me we need to heal a bit from last night'  

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Bloody hell!! 💚WOW  'You good?'   lol, yeh that was intense much green 😏 'I know'  We were below the roundhouse again - then in 4 places?  'Yes'  This all time now thing is wired 😆

Both of us with child me... On a track, lol a train line, you were on the line and I was pushing stuck carriages, you were telling me when the line was clear and I could move..... In the room together splitting to contacting the other me's!!
And I was also with another version of me in re-hab mental place.  

Awwww teddy... young me had teddy! :P lol Oh, you had one too the other day??  

'Child you copped a lot of shit having both of us in her... it's why I ended up in the floor'  Oh so ..We did it last night??   'Yep, we were telling them all what we were doing and why'   Fuck!!  'Yep'  Other dreams too, so much pain and rejection...

Oh yeh, more dreams of my main dream area, people I'd pissed off again... Market stalls filled with fresh produce but no people, Edinborough? A storm, some men trying to mend a table with lego legs but they can't seem to make the legs match so it doesn't wobble... I was helping but they kept wandering off. Oh Alison's house to, I was a ghost there... ?? WOW that was wired and so much stuff. 'Come back, not done yet'   'Apocrypha / Jon'  Hu??  'look for it tomorrow ;) now come here'   One of many parts telling all ourselves??   'Come here ffs'  lol ok

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wtf you doing getting me to half drown people!?!  'lol Ren, symbols.. they were mine... emotion'   I'd been in a pool like swimming baths with a bunch of guys 6 or 7 different ages more men were outside the water standing at a wall.  

I'd asked them, Who wants to ??????? - They all did and I'd demonstrated and as they copy my lead they started to pass out in the water sinking .... It was a kind of breathwork.   

lol then I had to dive down and stop them drowning dragging them to the surface or side. Oh there was a priest at the side too I'd got him to help drag out one bloke who was still unconscious.  

Oh was that the Jon? Baptism? lol Inka!! 'TY, I told you we were putting ourselves back together, get up' It's Sunday. 'Nop it's Sat and Halloween, you have lots to do, need to ground too'  Blugh it's not even 8am  'Run Ren Run'  lol, it's so windy. 

What's Apocrypha mean?/For?  'Run'   I'm so dizzy.... 'That's why Run.  Scoot' lol

Run really helped...  'YW'  my legs 😛  'My will power'  lol  I like running, 'Not getting up in the rain though'  Fair point.  If that me in the mental hospital is future me I don't want to know 😏 

2018


The one from Oct 2010



Awww found this from Nov 2010...


IOU again... 'YW.... Credit mounting bitch'  I know...  I'm good on a debt 😆  30k steps is good grounding...  Best consecrate ever 😍  'Learning Bitch'    Not sure our veil can get much thinner tbh...






 

Splat

That was fucking horrible... 'That was the point, now get up and sort that'  

I don't want to disturb shadow.

'Your shadow is seriously disturbed Ren and right now fucking angry with you so do it now'  

Get up and sort littler try while recalling the experiences.. I'd kept arguing and fighting with Inka up until the point where he shared the thousands of memories and emotions of me and various other me screwing things up and people really hurt/upset with me and their emotions too..😬  Some I knew about or part of and many I didn't. 
Once I was in bits we went to Leon & the others who also shared recalls/emotions.... Inka had to take the responsibility too as that's how it works.  

'I know how fucking sorry you are Ren it's not like I didn't try and warn you or make this less hard'  

I know... 'You can't take it back' The gunshot dream? 'Yes, you just have to forgive yourself again. It's not like you haven't had enough practice' pffff I really should have listened to the door. 'You never do until its fucked Ren, you knew you had to break.'

Yep..

'Just stay there and do exactly what I tell you for a while.... I can't believe you still want to argue' IKR, I can't help it 👀 'We are the same Ren it's what keeps us getting up, just listen for now'

Blugh.... this is horrible 

'I even told you I'd not be fighting this time'  Didn't stop me though hu?  'I didn't really expect it to you have no fucking clue when to quit'  

What's up with me?  'Duality, it's why we team remember?'   not really atm, I'm sick of this shit......  'Shut up Ren, just stew for a bit'


Last time we barely made it...  'You could have just taken my word for it'   Yeh, I'm not that smart.   'Your mouth is. Now shut up till I tell you otherwise'   

__

Drop into the void space to dance alone black colours in a black ink sea swirling like feathers trailing, dark colours like oil in a dirty puddle, soundless music to spread the shapes, black feathers on blackbirds falling, trailing wet and inky, oily and thick. Sliding and gliding, slipping and falling, screaming and calling dancing as one.

'You're never going to stay put are you?'   I can't unconditional love extends to self too. Can I have more recall from last night, please? 'I'd not do that if I were you'

IKR, but love wants to feel everything...  'Pfff, your nuts'  TY - you coming?   'Void?'   Yeh   'Suppose' 💜 I'm sorry IOU again... 'No shit bitch, you keep biting the hand that feeds you'  IKR I'll try remember to go bird next time.  

__ Dreams were hazy... just in the void, emotions washing like colours with no hue sounds with no notes. Then main dream area, I was in the room with the ear-rings the other day (lol ringing ears) on the curtains is a massive fly! It's the size of my hand I'm creeped and fascinated in equal measure and I move the curtains and it flys and lands on my spine at the back of my neck and I wake with a jolt 'lol Ren, it's just me' Hahah Oh, that was the fly from the toilet rescue? Haha wtf are you doing?  'Playing'  

I duno where I am,  'Friday' is that a place?  'May as well be'  What happened?  'Tower'  We jumped you too. I feel wired.   

Adrift in a sea of emotion, lost far away from myself.
A tide of time carries what's mine mixing it up with all else.
Washing away at the edges sinking and flowing apart.
Watching a heavy thing sinking, I dive deep to follow my heart. 

It's really Friday? 'MMm get up'